I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
🤣🤣🤣
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.