Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.