My friend is an excellent librarian.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside