throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.