If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.