the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My birthstone is kidney
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10