Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.