What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?