guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
You Might Also Like
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Sniffing the broccoli
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
How it started How it’s going
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.