Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.