don’t be scared
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough