“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: