[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
hmm conte-me mais
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[eats all your cotton candy]
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..