I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
listen closely
idk what this dog had been going through but same
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.