Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey