I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
What if the weather talks about us?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.