My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
You Might Also Like
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you