I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.