It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
wow he looks just like him
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.