oppen heimer style lol
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.