Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.