The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.