i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
reviewed some movies recently
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Hot Panini is in big trouble
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful