Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.