King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.