genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.