A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Can’t stop laughing
this is the best interaction on twitter
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Home #decor warning.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I have two kinds of followers
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?