Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.