Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.