Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When news reporters do sports stories
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup