“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.