Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.