There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣