ugh not again
You Might Also Like
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
How did we not see this back then?