Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
This is the one
fixed it
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Put a ring on it
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.