If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Omg 🤣
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*