I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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