*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
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Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My last name is Zilla.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Bloody internet 😳
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough