I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.