MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This week’s mood.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life