This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Put this video in the Louvre
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
rise and shine we got egg
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.