CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My Plans 2020
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.