Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*