I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”