A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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I am also baked goods
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
We’ve all been there…
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Body by sandwich.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”