[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.