If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.