And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
this isn’t threatening at all
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot