I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.