I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days